From Spiraling to Security: Overcoming Trust Issues and the Need for Constant Reassurance in Relationships
Echoes of Childhood: The Birth of Trust Issues
There’s a saying that our first love is what shapes us, but in my case, it was the first heartbreak.
In my life, the first heartbreak wasn't a teenage fling gone wrong; it was the complex, heart-wrenching relationship with my mother. My journey through my parents' messy divorce and the chaos of my mother's presence left deep scars of abandonment. Today, I want to share this journey – not just my struggles, but also how I healed myself so you can too.
Overcoming Abandonment Fear: The Journey to Relationship Security
For the longest time, the fear of abandonment was like a shadow that followed me into every relationship.
It didn’t matter how great things were going; deep down, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop- and I HAD NO IDEA WHY! My fear of abandonment wasn’t just a part of “who I was”; it was a deep-seated issue that sabotaged my relationships.
All of the things that just made me feel like I was “crazy”: the clinginess, the irrational jealousy, and the constant need for reassurance.
The Wounds of Emotional Absence: Healing from a Narcissistic Mother
At 11, when my parents divorced and my mom left for a year, my world was shattered. She returned as if nothing had happened, but her emotional unavailability left me feeling unworthy and craving the maternal support I never received. My father became my anchor, but he couldn't fill the void left by my mother.
My mother's narcissistic tendencies meant I grew up learning to protect myself while still craving her approval. I watched her morph into different personas, adapting to what she thought her partners wanted. From a doting mother and wife to a woman who abandoned her responsibilities for a toxic relationship, her transformations were confusing and painful.
Her inconsistency during my crucial teenage years left a lasting impact. I became the challenger, always questioning her actions, which only made her even more distant from me.
My sisters reacted differently, one becoming a people-pleaser and the other emotionally detached. But for me, the emotional wounds were deep, leading to self-doubt and a persistent fear of abandonment in my own relationships.
It was a chapter in the narrative of 'not enough'—not careful enough, not prepared enough, not supported enough. And the deepest 'not enough' narrative I wrote: not worthy of love because the one person society tells us should love us most -mom- well she was able to up and leave me during such a critical time in my life, and even then I wasn't even enough to make her stay.
Redefining Motherhood: Secure Attachments & Healing the Collective
Becoming a mom was like my own rebirth, the wake-up call to the unhealed parts of my past that threatened to seep into my children's lives-especially with my mother's critical eye casting doubt on my parenting style.
Despite creating a loving environment for my boys, I constantly questioned myself, driven by the fear of repeating my mother's mistakes. But this journey wasn't just about being a mother; it was about rediscovering who I was beyond my mother's shadow.
The REWILD Method: Therapist's Guide to Secure, Loving Relationships
This journey of healing was uniquely mine, but it illuminated a universal truth: many of us carry similar burdens of fear and insecurity.
Through my experience as a therapist and my own healing process, I recognized that I had to help other women with this so they did not have to hit rock bottom like I did before making the change. That's why I developed my signature framework, the REWILD method. This approach is designed to help you reconnect with your inner strength and overcome worthiness wounds for good.
Here are seven practical steps informed by the REWILD method that anyone can use to start their journey toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Steps to Overcoming Insecurity in Love: A Roadmap for Trust and Confidence
Step 1: Identify What Makes You Spiral
Spot the Issue: Take a moment to really think about what makes you feel insecure in your relationship.
Is it a fear of not being enough?
Worries about your partner’s past?
Pinpoint exactly what's making you feel insecure.
Is it a specific behavior from your partner or something within you?
Write it Down: Write down instances when you felt insecure. Look for patterns – they’re the clues to what’s really going on. Journaling about instances when you feel insecure is one of the best ways to unveil underlying patterns.
Step 2: Understand the Root
Connect the Dots: Figuring out the 'why' behind your feelings can be eye-opening and is the first step to tackling them effectively.
Trace It Back: Look into your past to find the origins of these insecurities.
Really Dig Deep: Often, our insecurities stem from past experiences or deep-seated beliefs. Did something in your past make you feel this way?
Think back to when you first felt these insecurities. Were they triggered by a past relationship or a specific life event?
Understanding the 'why' is crucial in addressing these feelings.
Step 3: Straight-Talk with Your Partner
No Accusing, Just Talking: Have an honest conversation with your partner.
Engage in open, honest dialogues with your partner. It's about expressing your insecurities without placing blame. Remember, it's not about accusing them; it’s about expressing how you feel. Sit down with your partner and have a real conversation. It's about sharing, not blaming.
Concrete Examples Help: Instead of vague feelings, bring up specific instances. It's easier to address concrete examples and this can help make your discussions more tangible and actionable.
Be Clear: Use “I” statements. Instead of saying, “You make me feel insecure,” try “I feel insecure when…
Step 4: Personal Confidence Boost
You Are Enough: Remind yourself daily that you are worthy, just as you are.
Self-Care Rituals: Whether it’s journaling, meditation, or a yoga class, find things that make you feel good about yourself.
Celebrate Wins: Find activities that truly boost your confidence. This could be achieving a goal at work or pursuing a passion. Big or small, acknowledging your achievements can significantly boost your self-view.
Step 5: Relationship Expectations vs. Reality
Keep it Real: Understand that no relationship is perfect. It’s okay to have ups and downs.
Social Media Isn’t Real Life: Remember that the perfect couples you see on social media have their own issues too. Don’t let curated posts warp your relationship expectations. Focus on the reality of your relationship, not the idealized versions often portrayed online.
Reality Check: Don’t let the ‘what ifs’ dictate your relationship. Focus on what’s actually happening in your relationship, not the idealized version you might have in your head. Enjoy the now.
Step 6: Build Trust Based on Actions
Give Trust a Chance: Unless given a reason not to, trust your partner. Relationships thrive on trust.
Observe and Learn: Trust is built through actions, not just words. Pay attention to how your partner shows up for you. Observe how your partner demonstrates their support and commitment through their actions.
Talk About Trust: Discuss what trust means to both of you and what behaviors and actions help strengthen trust between you both. Understanding each other’s perspectives can strengthen your bond.
Step 7: External Input, If Needed
Seeking Advice: Sometimes, getting an external perspective can make a world of difference.
This could be from a no-nonsense friend or a professional- like a therapist or relationship coach.
Stay Critical: Remember, not all advice is good advice. Be selective about the advice you follow, ensuring it aligns with your values and situation. Take what works for you and leave the rest.
Embracing Self-Worth and Love: Ending the Spiral of Relationship Anxiety
Overcoming my fear of abandonment was about healing myself, not just saving my relationships. It was a journey to realize that secure love begins within me.
I didn’t need to take care of someone else in my relationships to feed my incessant need to be “needed” by someone else and I didn’t need to be in relationships where I chaos fueled the relationship as the only thing keeping it going. I needed to be valued, to have shared meaning, and most importantly I need to feel worthy of the love I truly deserved.
If you’re struggling with similar fears, know that it’s possible to work through them and find a love that’s secure and fulfilling. This journey has taught me that healing is possible, even from deep wounds. It's about understanding your past, but not letting it dictate your future.
It's about finding love that respects and supports you, and most importantly, it's about finding peace within yourself.
The path to healing is unique for everyone, but the steps to building secure relationships are universal. It's not about changing who you are; it's about being comfortable and authentic in your own skin and in your relationships.
It's about taking practical steps and engaging in honest conversations. You have the tools now; it's time to embrace them.
Remember, you deserve a relationship where you feel loved, secure, and confident.
Let’s start this rewriting your story together.
Ready to Heal Your Worthiness Wounds?
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If you're tired of feeling stuck in the same old patterns of insecurity and self-doubt in your relationships..
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